From the first moment i saw you in September 2014, you have been on my mind. I have imagined things that i have never before, like finding true love! I soon realized that i had caught your eye too. You got my number and so began a tumultuous ride.
At first, things were rosy; we got to know each other and i could feel myself drawing closer to you. I noticed small and silly things like how our first names start and end in same letters, like how you have a unique way of pronouncing certain words like earth and faith, like how confident you are when you are talking about an issue you are passionate about, like how you are good at knowing people and remembering their names, like how well and thorough you prepare for your work assignments, the list is endless. I have come to appreciate deeper things about you than i have done in past relationships. Call it maturity, but i will call it true love. Before, i was simply drawn to the outward and superficial outlook of someone. Now i look at the inner person. I came to discover that the things missing in my life, the things i needed to work on, were your strong points. It is for this reason i felt you made me complete. I had imagine a long and happy journey together ahead of us, alas only in my dreams. 😦 I guess you never felt the same way about me.
Five months down the line, first began the long silences. We’d go for weeks without communicating and if i tried to you’d claim you are busy with work. Those moments killed me. You’d go out of town without letting me know. I even though you’d found someone else. On this fateful evening, you eventually told me point-blank that “things can’t work out”. The reason being that you are too private and I’m not. I felt my bones weaken and my mouth taste bitter, almost like i had left my body and was simply hovering above it. I failed to eat that evening. But for the presence of my sister, nephew and niece, I’d have soaked my bed with tears that night. I will never forget the devastating day; Sunday, August 23rd 2015. I composed myself and gently thanked you for your time and for having allowed me to enjoy the friendship we had shared. I wished you well in your future endeavours. I still couldn’t believe it the next day when i went to work. My mind was away the whole time, i don’t remember a single thing i did. I had to control the strong urge to call or text you. Next day Tuesday, the urge was so overwhelming that i communicated, not to let you know of how sad and hollow i felt, or how much i missed you, but to ask about the well-being of your mum. It was good to know she was no longer in ICU. I asked how you are, and you answered, “I’m ok, thanks”: How those pithy answers annoy me! I felt frustrated once again and just left things there. I archived our chat messages alongside that of your pal J.N. On Wednesday, i looked you up only to discover that you had deleted me!!! I could no longer see your profile picture nor your status message. It really hurts to know that you dislike me that much and are so ready to get rid of me. I will nurse these fresh and deep wounds you leave me with.
All i long for is a true friend and partner, i long for someone to truly love me for who i am, someone to hold me in his arms, to rub my back after a long day at work, to cook together, to cuddle with on a couch while enjoying a good animation, is that too much to ask for? I guess i was not good enough for you and I accept it. After all, you can’t force a donkey to drink water (cliché I know). Now i wonder if there’s anyone for me at all out there. I guess it’s time to embrace singleness and enjoy it.
I’m determined to work on my life by returning to the drawing board and patching up any holes. I need to get back on my feet for I had strayed from my path. If at all there’s someone out there for me, please give me time to better myself so I can be the best for him! And that change begins now, starting with this post. I’m back to writing in order to improve my vocabulary. 🙂